Shear Joy!!!!

So, I have been trying to get the time to write on my blog, but I just haven’t been able to find it.  Has anyone seen any extra time laying around ??????

I am aware of the need to MAKE time for the things that I find important, but it has been extremely difficult this year.  I like the term life/work balance…it sounds important, but I have had difficulty finding life/work balance this year too!!!! 

As I drove around this holiday season in preparation for Christmas, I pondered the effort and energy that so many put into their decorations, lights and trees.  How many cumulative hours do you think are spent in the preparation of Christmas? Hundreds, thousands, millions, billions?????  How much extra energy is spent in the Christmas lights during the Christmas Season? 

While driving in seemingly endless circles this Christmas Season preparing for my rather large family, I pondered what I might blog about that would have any significant value.  I was both overwhelmed with so many ideas and also felt deplete of any insight or wisdom. 

Until this morning…….

Yes, it was my husband again, who brought my attention to a humble halt with a YouTube video.  As I sat at my kitchen counter with all of my to-do lists entrenched in the stress of preparation of the holiday, he walked in the room and said, “hey you gotta see this”.  I didn’t really have time, but I STOPPED for a second and then……..in four minutes of a YouTube video; I was transformed by something magical that caused my gasping breath to seize my anxiety.  There is no greater wisdom than being open to the pure joy of the season. 

Merry Christmas and Enjoy!!  SHEAR JOY.........

I want a new I-Phone

I have a smart phone, why do I feel so dumb?  

So the I-Phone 4S made its debut a couple of weeks ago and several of my client’s showed up in my office with their new pride and joy.  I don’t say that lightly, these phones bring similar joy and also demonstrate the same demands of a new-born infant.  While one might be in awe of their new cellular device that greets them, talks to them about the weather and actually answers questions, smart phones also know how to increase stress, dominate focus and attention, come in between relationships, and take precedence over spending important quality time with important people in our lives.  I am certainly not condemning smart phones, they provide convenience with instant reminders of appointments, maps that help us get where we need to go, and wake-up calls whenever and wherever we go.  Smart phones are really……smart!! 

Our brightly colored little personal devices have become a very important part of our existence.  Some phones are even fashionable.  Personally, I have the white one.  Unfortunately, I only enjoyed the latest and greatest for a couple of months before the new I-phone 4-S showed up like the proverbial trophy wife.   I am ashamed to admit that I would to sell my I-phone so I could have the new I-phone 4S.   Good grief, what is happening to me!!!   There is something about that little person that talks to you!!  “Good morning Debbie.  You have 5 new e-mails, 2 new voicemails, and 6 text messages.  Would you like for me to read your text messages”?  It’s like your very own personal assistant that’s nice to you.  It’s almost human!!!!

So what is all of this about?  On one level, I am criticizing smart phones, and on the other hand, I am dreaming of my own new next smart phone so I have to do less.  The point is that these little devices dominate a big part of our lives and for some…..it can be detrimental to their health.  Think about how many times you were compelled to look at or text someone on your hand-held device while you were driving a 3,000 lb piece of machinery 65 miles/hr on a busy highway.   Don’t you think that might be a health concern?

All kidding aside, your cell phone could very well be an addiction that you might want to consider if you deal with Attention Deficit Disorder, Anxiety, or Depression.  High school senior Michelle Hackman won a $75,000 college scholarship with a project on cell-phone addiction.   (That’s right $75,000)  She split 150 high school-age students into two different groups.  Both groups stayed in an empty room for 45 minutes, one with their cell phone and the other without.  During the study, members of both groups wore devices that monitored the electrical conductance of their skin, a measure of anxiety, and answered survey questions about their mental state.  Hackman found that kids with their cell phones were more anxious than the ones without.  45% of the kids without their cell phones were so bored that they fell asleep. 

I could ramble on for about 10 pages about my concerns about smart phones impacting mental health and happiness.  From text messages to face-booking, the short-term gratification of knowing what everyone else is doing on Friday night is not always worth the long-term effects wondering why YOU might not be there.  Did I say rejection and depression????

Ok, so now that I have rambled on about smart phones and the potentially negative impact they might have on our mental health, I just realized that I can’t find my I-phone and I am having a panic attack.  That’s not good for YOU!! 

With or without these almost human devices it appears to be stressful.  I guess the truth is that good balance is probably the best advice.  Use with care and concern for self and others.  Don’t text and drive and never let the little device be a substitute for a healthy relationship.


http://www.apa.org/gradpsych/features/2011/cell-phone-addiction.aspx

The Monkey and a Bananna

Summer has made it's encore appearance; the last few days of September have come to an end. The first day of Fall arrived today!! Leaves on the trees have begun to turn, and we have finally slept with the windows open. Those big yellow school busses are slowing down traffic again, the dregs of endless homework assignments have started to mount, and the inevitability of another winter awaits on the dawn of the horizon.

So many of us meet and greet the change of season from Summer to Fall with sadness and resistence. Why is it so hard to let go of Summer?

Perhaps it is about the way in which time is spent. When I think of Summer, I think about the beach and being in the sun with my family. You might think about days by the pool, hours on the golf course, or spending time outdoors hiking, biking, or boating. In fact, it doesn't really matter what you did, it matters that you had more time to have more fun. Seemingly without reason, Fall arrived today. It didn't mean to.....it just did what it was supposed to do.

While Fall made it's debut appearance today, I pondered the pit in my tummy as I watched the first few leaves fall from the trees on my drive home. It was the antithesis of the excitement I experienced in May, on the first day of Spring. Fall gets a bad wrap!!

So.....do you know how they catch monkey's in India? Based on an old Indian story that I heard somewhere. They say........(does anyone know who they are?) They drill two small holes in the bottom of a very large coconut and thread a wire into and out of the coconut. Then the coconut is fastened to the bottom of a tree. Next they cut the top off of the coconut and clean out the pulp replacing it with a small banana. The top of the coconut is fastened back into place with glue and a small slit is then cut into the side of the coconut. The opening is just big enough for the monkey to put his hand into the coconut and grasp the banana. The trap is set. The monkey sees the coconut and the banana that is inside. He puts his hand into the coconut and grabs a hold of the banana. Unfortunately, the slit is not large enough for the monkey to remove his hand, while holding the banana. Not clever enough to let go of the banana, the monkey continues holding the fruit and remains captive because of his fixation for the banana.

At this point you might be wondering about how the first day of Fall and the Monkey and the Banana might be related. The truth is, they're like first cousins.

The very act of holding onto what we think we want, or need.... actually keeps us stuck, just like the monkey.

Summer is my banana!! I struggled with letting go of it, but I just can't. I want it to stay.

The only problem with holding onto a banana for too long is, it turns to mush.

What keeps you stuck? What might you need to let go of so you can be free?

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Earthquakes..........Hurricanes.........No Electric Oh My!!

As my business partner and I sat in her office on Tuesday, August 23rd, we felt the "earth move under our feet".  Just as Carol King sings in her song, "I Feel the Earth Move", I pondered if the "sky was gonna come tumbling down".  As "my heart started to tremble", I took off running like a NFL football wide receiver right out of the building.  I wondered what my client's might think of my panic-stricken behavior, beings I work with a great deal of anxiety and panic attacks in my psychotherapy practice.  As I flew out of the building, I turned around and looked for my business partner.  I couldn't find her which increased my anxiety and panic to another level.  I ran away from the 12 story building up onto a hill, as if that would save me from the shaking planet.  As I fumbled for my phone that was already in my hand, I attempted to make contact with my husband.  However, it seemed his phone number was mysteriously erased from my mind.   As I made several attempts to call him, I realized I had dialed it correctly and it was just that the phone lines were jammed and I could not get through.  At the same time I wondered, "Where is my partner"?  I noticed the people in the building across the street were evacuating and it seemed like 100 more people came running out of my building as well.  I prided myself on my "fight or flight" response that ensued my being the winner of the race out of my building.  Oh, that's right.....it wasn't a race!!!  I still couldn't find my business partner.  At that point, the earth had stopped it's frightful shiver and I finally made eye contact with my business partner whom remained calm and walked away from the building very collected.  She spent time with earthquakes in her previous life doing missionary work in third-world countries.  Shaken and relieved to see her safe, I barked out, "where were you"?

It was about 4.5 minutes from the time that the earth shook until I found my business partner and I was able to make contact through text message to my husband that I realized we had just experienced an earthquake.  As my body started it's feeble attempt to find homeostasis, I wanted to take the rest of the day off.

Many similar stories blanketed the area of the earthquake from North Carolina to New York.  I noticed how the West Coast gets quaked all the time and no-one really seems to notice too much.  The big-bad Northeasterners were taken by surprise!  And as if Mother Nature knew what she was doing, the same area was shaken by Irene.  Is she related to Eileen?  Come on........

I pondered the significance of these two events in candle light because "the lights went down in the city".  Journey sang that song sometime in the 80's and all I wanted to do was to take a Journey to find some hot running water.

It was interesting that I kept finding old familiar tunes in my head during the week's earth shaking events which made me laugh, and then I felt gratitude about the generator in my garage that at least allowed me to see  "clouds in my coffee", thank you Carly Simon.

What does all this have to do with anxiety?  Quite a lot actually.

When the world shakes, get out of the way and find solid ground.
When the world rolls, go with it.
When the world dims the lights, work harder to see.

It was hard to maintain a sense of calm when I had no idea what was going on.  My business partner knew we were in an earthquake, therefore she was very calm.  The Amygdala part of my brain had altered my body and all systems were GO.  My business partner told herself we were in a small earthquake and the Neo-Cortex of her brain was in full operation.  The Neo-Cortex is the area of the brain that is responsible for higher level/rational thinking as opposed to the Mid-brain where the Amygdala sits.  This area of the brain is the part that deals with involuntary responses to potentially harmful situations.  It's job is to get the body to safety which primarily involves a lot of neuro-chemical transmitters and hormones.  While my Amygdala was in full operation, my Neo-Cortex went on vacation.  No rational or high level thinking was taking place in my brain.  While my body struggled to find homeostasis after the event, my body was drained from the surge of hormones and thoughts about safety.

What do you tell yourself about the problems in your life?  Do you let your problems take you by surprise, and do your problems feel like an earthquake?  What do you tell yourself?  Do you run for the hills or do you take your time to gather your thoughts, and then respond?

How you think about your problems provides a direct link to how your brain responds, and then your body responds.  Those with high anxiety think catastrophically about the world in which they live and their bodies are always ready to take flight, similar to how I flew out the building when I felt the earthquake.  How you think about your problems influences how to handle them and also how you deal with them.

Are your problems earthquakes or hurricanes?

Finding connections in the world and making sense out of seemingly random data is how I found my passion to work with folks with anxiety-related problems.  It's not that the folks I work with can't make sense out of the acutely chaotic and random data in their busy lives, but rather helping them make connections and de-catastrophize their problems is what I love to do.  And while the last few days of earthquakes and hurricanes leave most of us unsettled about what might be happening in the world, it might make sense to note the differences between catastrophic thinking and non-catastrophic thinking. It is quite possible that our planet earth needs to stretch, crack, and blow off a little steam from time to time just like we all do.



 
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Summer Vacation

Have you ever packed for a Summer Vacation only to find that you use 1/10 of the stuff that you bring? 

A couple of days before I left for a weekend wedding in Montreal and then a week at the beach I became preoccupied with how I was going to fit all of my needed stuff into the “one small suitcase” that my well-intended husband always suggests.  “You don’t need all that stuff”, he’ll say. I tend to agonize over the multitude of potential calamities that call for my attention in packing.  The proverbial “what if” shows up and ramps up my anxiety.  What if it rains, what if it snows, what if I don’t want to wear that, what shoes will I need, what if I want to work-out, and what if I need that sweatshirt?  I respond by attempting to squeeze everything I own into a small piece of luggage that should fit in the overhead compartment of an airplane.  My expandable compartment of my luggage is no longer operable, due to my attempts to squeeze things in.  I stuff, then stuff some more, and then I have to sit on my suitcase to zip it shut.   As I unzipped my suitcase today, it popped open like a Jack in the Box and I jumped back and laughed at the multitude of things I never used or needed on my trip.   Now I have a bunch of unnecessary laundry and a whole bunch of cleaning up to do. 

It occurred to me how many things we carry around psychologically and emotionally that we really don’t need.  Similar to how we pack for a trip, we pack up our psychological and emotional distress as if it will somehow protect us from any forthcoming potential calamity.  The truth is, that most people carry around way more than they need and pack their psyche with more than it can handle.  Stress and anxiety comes from forcing one more thing, when the truth is we just don’t need one more thing to carry around with us. 

So, think about the things that you are carrying around with you.  How can you lighten your emotional and psychological load so that you don’t need to repair your expandable psychological and emotional luggage?  What can you get rid of?  The truth is, when you get there……….you probably won’t need it.  

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Being Open to Being Broken

Being Open to Being Broken

Being oriented toward science, but grounded in spirituality, I choose the word hope today as my word. After a particularly grueling day at the office, doing the work that I love, it is sometimes hard to help people in pain find something in their world that makes them happy.  Sometimes the emotional pain and suffering is so great in the worlds of others that I visit, that all I can do is sit still and listen with my heart.  As one of my patients so prudently announced to me today.....I am going to listen with my heart. I am always amused by the synchronicity of profound wisdom in many people all at the same time.  Putting my own sarcasm aside after I smiled at the vision of a human heart with ears on it, I clung to the hope in my own heart, for the ability to be still, listen and not fix-it!!

I still hang onto hope.  Hope has science to support the efficacy in treatment with clients, but hope also is mystical as it brings miracles by way of curing impossible disease, and having strength and faith in the worst of human circumstances. Hope is about mystery, faith in the divine, and the intimate dance between what it is to be human, and trusting we are divine wisdom in human manifestation.  Ugh! My brain hurts......

Hope is about the human possibility of emerging out of the darkness and emptiness in our lives. It is about finding the meaning and faith in an illness, traumatic loss, and despair. We all have stories of difficult times and having hope brings us to new dimensions for understanding life in a different way and propelling forth a healing journey. Our darkest times provide us with the potential to grow, change, and understand life in more fulfilling ways. 

But......there is one very important part of this whole equation that just creeps people out.  That first step!  Being open to being broken is that first step the muscle takes before it heals.  

Talking to Yourself Again.........?

Really???
Are you talking to yourself again.  Some people might say that if you talk to yourself that you are crazy. Some other folks say it is OK to talk to yourself, but if you answer yourself, than there is a problem.  The truth is that we talk to ourselves all day long.  Almost every minute of every day, including when we are sleeping, we are talking to ourselves.  The clincher is.......we don't realize the significance of what we say to ourselves and our happiness.

Let me explain.

Events during the day bring about emotion.
It's bad weather.........disappointed
We lose a wallet.........we are fearful
Traffic jam...................irritation

There is a gap between the event........and the emotion.  Let's call it dot, dot, dot.  Well, during dot, dot, dot, we have a choice.  We have a choice in HOW we interpret the event, which leads to a direct effect on our emotion.  In other words, we interpret the events of our day, all day long.  So essentially, the dot, dot, dot gives pause to what we choose to think.  There is time to interpret each event during differently, thereby causing us to feel differently.

The New Perspective

Events during the day bring about emotion.
It's bad weather..........interpretation.........we feel disappointed or we could feel comforted.
One person might notice the bad weather and think about the traffic and the discomfort of being wet during travel.  Their emotion will be disappointment.  Another person might think about the rain as a necessary balance to the dry weather and also think about the comfort of staying indoors and catching up on necessary busy work.

You see, it isn't the event that causes our emotion........it is the dot, dot, dot!  It is our interpretation of the event that is responsible for emotion.

The dot, dot, dot......or our interpretation is the self-talk that we do all day long, without even realizing it.

So, pay attention to your dots.  What are they interpreting about your day?

Adapted from Dan Joseph Self-Talk

How is this for bridging the gap?

Some of the most miraculous bridges demonstrate the human potential in being able to span the gap. Crossing the terrain makes traveling easier and less cumbersome. Building bridges is what I pronounce to do in therapy with my clients. Building the infrastructure, constructing the support, and laying down a new path. That's what it is all about!!

http://freshdesignweb.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/3810512065_2382682c1e7.jpg

Time Heals

Really? Does time heal all wounds? According to Carl Jung, one of the most prominent psychoanalysts of all times, the process of individuation does takes time. Jung explains the process of individuation to be a process that crops up in mid-life, when individuals reach their prime. However, they often find themselves facing some unforeseen problem. Often the problem takes the form of a crisis: job failure, illness, divorce, or financial loss. Sometimes the problem takes the form of a loss of meaning in their life, loss of religious beliefs, loss of self, or a overall sense of unhappiness and discontent in life. Sometimes it presents itself as a deep need to redirect one's life.
Redirecting oneself.....
The process is truly about giving birth to one's true self. It seems that we come into this life completely perfect, with all of our emotions intact. The first half of our life is learning how to deal with our emotions, as we navigate our way through life. We learn how to shield ourselves with layers and layers of protective habits or defenses. Sometimes the layers that we put around ourselves do such a good job, that we often forget who we really are. The second half of life is about breaking down the layers that we created in the first half of life so that we can reconnect with our true selves. It is a process of making ourselves more vulnerable, as our true self is revealed and that is scary. It is especially scary after being held in the safe, comfy place of our protective psyche. The process of journeying inward to our truest self is the most precious, however and most rewarding.

Problems as potential. Leading the way for clients.

The Bridge Builder

            An old man trav’ling a lone highway

came at the evening cold and gray

            To a chasm vast and deep and wide. 

The old man crossed in the twilight dim;

            The swollen stream had not fear for him.

But he turned when safe on the other side,

            And built a bridge to span the tide.

            Old man, said a fellow pilgrim near,

            You are wasting your strength in building here.

            Your journey will end with the ending day.

            You never again will pas this way.

            You’ve crossed the chasm deep and wide,

            Why build you this bridge at evening tide?”

            The guilder lifted his old grey head.

“Good friend, in the path I have come,” he said,

“There followeth after me today,

A youth whose feet must pass this way,

This chasm that has been as naught to me,

To that fair-haired youth may a pitfall be

He, too, must cross in the twilight dim.

Good friend, I am building the bridge for him.”

                                   

Anonymous as cited in (Crowley, p. 192)

Hoping is Believing

Hope is not about being attached to an expectation of some particular thing. Hope contains an element of expectation, but expectation is not the core of true hope, that would be wishing. Hope is more about remaining optimistic and open to many possibilities that remain hidden in despair.

Once we become ready to let go of our dreams of what life “should” be, we can get down to the business of meeting each moment as it comes. Then the gateway to joy opens up. Hope always places paradise in some postponed future; if we want to live our lives fully, we must learn to break free of hope, to “despair," and to find ourselves where we are. (Omer, 1997, p. 232)

Problems as perspective

It is often with change in perspective and embracing our true self that brings about the greatest healing.  Problems and difficulties are not to be repressed or ignored but are meant to inform and instruct, and are a necessary part of the human journey.  True healing is a process of integrating even the negative experiences in our lives.  What I learned through the process is that we might not have the ability to change what life gives us, but we can change our perspective and sometimes changing our perspective is enough.  Problems become potential to see the world differently and can give us our greatest opportunity to grow. 

Hope: The Hidden Treasure in Everyday Life

The Buddhist hopes for enlightenment; the Christian hopes for salvation; the Hindu hopes in karma. The list goes on, but the theme is the same: people hope. Hope can also be viewed from many different perspectives, such as the psychological, theological, medical, and the personal. Hope can also be as simple as a child hoping for a special doll at Christmas, or it can be more complicated as hoping in the face of a terminal illness. Some view hope as a negative and claim that hope is responsible for a great deal of suffering in the world. The argument is that hope leads us to grasp at phantoms which may be more associated with attachment to things. Others view hope more positively, and describe hope as believing in the possibility of a positive result in the face of despair. Their hope is similar to the placebo effect and is sometimes responsible in the cure of physical disease. Countless stories of patients with life-threatening diseases miraculously recover in the face of hope. Human hoping spans the scope from superficiality to the profundity of human existence. We hope because we are human, but what we hope for is what can cause great despair or save us from our potentially painful human existence. 

The Opposite of Hope

Despair is what some might call the opposite of hope and what one feels when they are hopeless. Despair arrives in the absence of hope. It is the dark night of the soul. Despair is a state of emptiness or meaninglessness that surrounds the hoping for something wished. Some contribute feelings of despair with unmet hopes and wishes. Hope could then be vicariously responsible for much of the pain and suffering involved in our society and culture today. The idea is, most would be better off not having hope. Hope leads to disappointment.

Hope is a form of Prayer

Hope drills down into a specific definition found mostly in religious doctrine, but hope is expansive enough in meaning, to include a multi-dimensional perspective.  Hope can be a form of prayer and spirituality for the agnostic and the atheist.  The agnostic can have hope but does not either believe or disbelieve in a God.  The atheist can have hope, just not hope because there is a God.  You don’t have to be religious to have hope.  Hope lends itself to a "prayerful experience" during challenging and difficult times.  The prayerful experience is not religious put a positive experience evoking strength, goodness, and healing.  Having multiple forms of hope can therefore be a universal key to unlocking the spiritual potential within the agnostics, the atheist, and the religious and having hope invigorates the healing process.